The "Not So Happy" Holidays

There's a classic Christmas song that goes something like this..."Christmas time is here...favorite time of year." This phrase is true for many, but only a shadow of the truth for others. The holidays are a very challenging time of year for a great number of reasons. The truth is that sometimes the holidays aren't so happy or joyful after all.

Have you ever wished for a gift for Christmas when you were a child that you waited all year with anticipation to receive, but as Christmas came and went, you never got that special gift? A child makes a list for Santa and when Christmas morning comes, they tear into their gifts with excitement! Although they may have opened several incredible gifts, the one gift that was at the top of their list, they didn't see underneath the tree. I think many of us could relate to a similar feeling... it's not that we were ungrateful for the gifts we received and the special day with our family, it's just that we had our heart and hope set on this one specific gift all year and it was the one we didn't receive. We might have even considered trading all the other presents for that one present that was at the top of our list. Experiencing grief and loss around the holidays can feel similar to story described above. The holidays come and we gather round with family and friends, we have delicious food and delightful gifts, we celebrate the reason for the season, yet sometimes we may feel empty. The sadness isn't because there is a missing present under the tree that we hoped and wished for, but rather the seat at the table that has been empty for days, months, or years. We are grateful for the gifts under the tree, and the time spent with family but no amount of celebrating and giving would bring back those we have lost and miss so dearly. If you are reading this as a loved one who is supporting someone grieving through the holiday season, this is your reminder to simply be a shoulder to lean on and remember that when it comes to a grieving family member, it's not your fault. I hope the weight of the world falls off your shoulders with the simple reminder that you don't have to make the holidays perfect to "cheer up" those who are grieving, you must simply be present and that is enough. If you're reading this and you've recently lost someone you love, or if you're heading into this Christmas season missing someone you lost years ago, here is your reminder and permission that it's okay to not be okay this holiday season. You are allowed to be full of joy some days, and deeply saddened other days, there is no perfect recipe for the way one should grieve during the holidays.

November 22nd, 2008 is a date I will always remember because that's the day I lost my best friend, my mother. Immediately following the loss of my mother I experienced my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her and although I still had so many things to be grateful for, this year was not a year of celebration but it was a year of grieving and remembering. I couldn't tell you what I ate at Thanksgiving that year, or what I got for Christmas, but I do remember the one thing I wanted the most, the one person rather, that was missing from the table and has been missing from the table ever since she left this world. If I'm honest with myself, I've put a significant amount of pressure on myself over the years to be full of holiday cheer each year that I sometimes forget to remember and allow myself to sit with my feelings for better or worse, because that's where the healing happens. Whatever your story is this holiday season, don't let the "Happy Holidays" slogan fool you, you're allowed to have a "Less than happy Holiday." Let's give ourselves permission this year to slow down, remember those we have lost, encounter some healing of the heart, and find some hope and optimism knowing that when we do this, the holidays can be happy once again.

Can the holidays really be happy once again after all the change and loss you might ask? Indeed they can. I can say this because I've personally experienced it. Through the years, as I've grieved, healed, and found joy once again, each holiday over the years has become a smidge happier and a bit more hopeful. So, this year, when you're biting into the holiday ham or cheesy potatoes, when you're unwrapping the presents from under the tree, or kissing a loved one under the mistletoe with the smell of fresh baked cookies and Christmas cheer in the air, remember. Remember that your loved ones aren't so far away, they sit forever in your hearts and always in your memories. Look up to the sky, invite them to join the feast, and embrace this holiday knowing you're not alone in your grief and your holidays can and will be happy once again.

Thanks for spending your Downtime with Me, Wishing You a Merry Christmas.